The Day Sakura Died
by lallyzippo
Summary: Sakura's dead. Yay! Various crack pairings. Rated for a bloody death, and a whipped Uzumaki boyfriend. Ever feel sad when your favorite anime characters die? Fear no more! Read to apply for a replacement Sakura sacrifice for your bishounen and bishoujo!
1. Partay

**Honestly, I feel kinda bad. I should really update my other fics but…Tee-Hee.**

**Disclaimer: Lallyzippo is not the current owner of Naruto.**

The Day Sakura Died

One day, Sakura was out and about, thinking about how ultra-powerful she was, how beautiful she was, and basically about how she was better than everyone else. _So_, she thought, _Sasuke must actually love me since I'm so perfect and all._ She did a little hair flip. Hm, perhaps she could get a flower for her perfect hair to make her look even more perfect!

So, before heading off to training, she took a detour to Ino's flower shop.

"Oh, uh, hey Sakura," Ino waved.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Hey, _Ino-pig_."

Ino stopped waving, and just gave Sakura a dry look. "…Yeah. Nice to see you too."

Sakura bought some flowers and left.

As she kept on walking, she ran into Lee, TenTen and Neji.

"Oi! Hey, Sakura-san!" Lee waved.

Sakura rolled her eyes and walked off with her nose in the air. _Only_ Sasuke was good enough for her.

Lee went off to cry in a corner somewhere as TenTen tried to cheer him up and Neji sighed hopelessly.

Once again, Sakura continued toward her training area. When she arrived, only Sasuke was there. Only Sasuke. Yay, Sasuke!

"Hey Sasuke-kun!" She skipped up to him. Literally.

Sasuke's eye twitched. He knew she was emphasizing the 'kun' part just to irritate him to no end. "What?" he managed to get out, while fighting the urge to kill her.

She fluttered her eyelashes. _Don't…Puke!_ Sasuke thought desperately. "Do you want to go on a date with me tonight?"

"No."

"Aw, pwetty please?"

Sasuke couldn't take it anymore. He didn't care how cute she thought she was; when Sakura did that, it looked like she was sick, and her eyelids were twitching uncontrollably while her actual eyes were rolling back into her head. Besides, she was annoying him to the point where he had to wonder who hated more: Itachi or Sakura?

He pulled out a kunai and stabbed those irritating eyes. As she screamed (or was she squawking?) he continued to take stabs at her head as her blood flowed over his arms and soon his legs as he took a position on top of her. He began to stab anywhere he pleased, enjoying the experience more and more as Sakura became very still. Eventually, she stopped moving altogether.

He stood up, shaking with rage. Eventually, he calmed down some, and he realized he suddenly felt so…_free_. He hadn't felt this good since his childhood! He suddenly began to smile out pure happiness. He turned around…only to come face to face with Naruto and Kakashi.

Everyone was quiet. Kakashi and Naruto stared at Sasuke, then the corpse. Sasuke, corpse. Sasuke, corpse.

Sasuke coughed. "Um…I can…explain…?"

More silence.

"You…You killed Sakura-chan!" Naruto pointed.

"YOU'RE A HERO!" Kakashi dropped his book and scooped Sasuke up in a big ol' bear hug.

Naruto and Sasuke: "EH?"

Kakashi pulled away from the embrace. "Hm, so that's the kind of youthful embrace Gai talked about…"

Sasuke and Naruto stared.

"Uh, cough. We have to tell the Hokage!" Kakashi yelled. Then he poofed away as only Kakashi can.

Naruto and Sasuke stared at Sakura's bloodied corpse for a moment. Naruto broke the silence: "So…how did it feel?"

"It felt…great."

-

-

-

Sakura's death turned into a Konoha festival. Everyone got into a conga line and danced around they never had before. Shino was even seen laughing. Of course that gave a couple people heart attacks, (such as Kiba) but for the most part everyone had a good, safe time.

At this 'Sakura-Me-Not' festival everyone came together as a family. People who normally did not associate with each other, hugged and some even proclaimed love to each other. Some Hyuuga Branch families were seen square dancing with the Main Family.

Sasuke suddenly realized he no longer had the desire to tear Itachi's beating heart to shreds, so he set about living a happy Konoha life. He was no longer interested in being Orochimaru's boy-toy.

At this festival, many…_strange_ truths came to surface. Ino suddenly realized she had no interest in Sasuke, because the competition was zero. Not to mention…Hinata was looking pretty adorable in her kimono…

Kiba kept declaring love to Neji, but unfortunately, it was unrequited.

Shino realized he had a knack for medic skills. Apparently, his Kikkai could also be used as healing instruments in ways the Aburames had never thought possible. A new prodigy medic nin on his way, Tsunade happily accepted him as her apprentice.

Choji heard that Sakura was practically anorexic. This scared the crap out of him. Although Sakura _certainly_ wasn't his friend, he had indeed, known her and who she was. He had never even expected it! If he had one person he knew that was anorexic, maybe there were more! From then on, Choji always brought extra snacks to give to all his friends; just to make sure they would never be anorexic.

Shikamaru realized that the reason no one missed Sakura was because she was a huge bitch. Shikamaru found it troublesome, but he now goes out of his way more to do nice things for his friends, so they'll miss him when he's gone.

Naruto wasn't so sad that Sakura died after the facts. Old man Ichiraku was so happy that the bitchy little customer was dead, that he gave out _free ramen_ on the celebration day. That was a plus. Besides, he was now getting stronger than ever, because Sakura was around hitting him all the time.

Lee at first cried. He bawled like a freakin' baby. But then, TenTen tried to cheer him up. It worked. They're currently an item.

-

-

-

About a year later, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro came over a visit.

"Oi, Gaara!" Naruto waved.

Gaara nodded.

Temari and Kankuro waved.

"Eh?" Temari looked over Team 7. "One…Two…Where's three?"

"Huh?" Sasuke blinked.

"Where's Pinkie?" Kankuro added.

"Oh, she's dead."

Gaara's eyes flew open. "SERIOUSLY? THE BITCH IS DEAD?"

Sasuke and Naruto jumped, while quivering. "Um, yeah. Sasuke killed her a year ago…"

"Why didn't you freakin' tell us?" Kankuro added, quivering with excitement. "We would've partied with you guys a long time ago!"

"Hell yes!" Temari squealed.

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other. "Well, we could have another party, I guess…"

The Sand trio punched the air like Power Rangers. It was a little mortifying.

"NARUTO-KUN!" A voice was heard from around the corner.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, as Naruto turned around, knowing what was gonna happen. Well, not _exactly_—

"OOF!" Anko landed right on top of Naruto.

The Sand Sibs stared at the odd display, until Kankuro coughed, then said, "Um, aren't you the second exam proctor for the Chuunin exams? Mitarashi-something?"

Anko put up her hand. "Not now kitty!" This caused Kankuro to winced. And get mad. While Temari shook with laughter.

"U-ZU-MA-KI!" she growled in Naruto's ear.

He quivered.

The Sand Sibs wondered what the hell he did.

Sasuke just slapped his forehead and sighed irritably.

"Why hell did you get out of bed so early? I've got _needs_ ya know!"

Temari sputtered while Gaara's eyes flew open and Kankuro got a nosebleed.

"Anko…The guests from Sand…Like, in FRONT of you…"

"Look, I need to GET some front!" She grabbed Naruto by the color of his jumpsuit.

"Um, I'll see you guys later!" he called as he was dragged away. He just kind of gravitates towards violent women.

The group stared onward.

"Isn't that…inappropriate?" Temari sputtered. "He's like, fourteen, and she's in her twenties! That's gotta be some kind of crime!"

"Only crime here is that she's not doin' me."

Temari hit Kankuro over the head.

-

-

-

Once again, there were conga lines, dancing, laughing, all that jazz.

Gaara looked around the room to see many unexpected things as he conga-ed away (yes, even he was congaing). The first thing was that he noticed was that Hinata and Ino were in a far corner; Ino had her arm wrapped around Hinata's waist and was whispering something in her ear. Another thing was that that old spandex-wearing lad he had fought some time ago was holding that weapon lass Temari had fought some time ago. Kiba was constantly hitting on Neji. Neji ignored all his attempts. That fat kid seemed to have lost a little weight and everyone else seemed to have gained a little weight. Naruto, his first real friend, was now the whipped boyfriend of the crazy examiner lady. He didn't seem to mind, though.

And what caught Gaara completely off guard was that his sister was planning to stay here for a very long time.

In the near future she would be popping out about a dozen little Uchiha tykes.

**Yeah. Naruto would be way better without Sakura. By the way, in case you hadn't noticed, I love cannon pairings. R&R.**


	2. Replacement Technique!

**Two-shot or more, enjoy. Also, I would like to tell cookieyumyum that I love you. Haha, nightnymph is probably a lesbian for Sakura or something.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Sakura wouldn't even **_**exist**_

Plot Holes Abound

"…Oh, and by the way, Ms. Ross—"

"What is it, Commander?" Maria Ross looked at Commander Hughes.

Hughes stabbed her in the face with a knife.

"WTF? WHAT WAS THAT FOR YOU PRICK?"

Hughes blinked. "Hm, I could have sworn you were a homunculi, or something…"

"GAH! Just for pissing me off, I'll kill you!"

Hughes stabbed the thing in the face again, and left him there flailing and bleeding to death. "Yeah…Yeah, Houston, we have a problem here…" Hughes nodded as he listened to the phone he had just picked up.

…Then the authoress remembered back to that fateful episode…and realized the Hughes couldn't have actually used the phone, because the line was cut or something.

"Well, that's just GREAT!" Hughes threw his hands up in the air. "NOW, what am I supposed to do?"

"HEY! I'm still over here!" the bloody mass squawked.

Hughes blinked and stared at it. Then, he poked it with a stick. "Ewww…You're all squishy."

"KNOCK IT OFF! DON'T DEMEAN MY EXISTANCE! I AM IMPORTANT! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

"…Your parents never loved you did they?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Aw…don't feel bad…I'll show pictures of Elisia!"

"I FEEL—Wait, what?"

"LOOK!" Hughes exclaimed exuberantly, whilst shoving a beloved family photo in the face of his enemy. "This is my widdel daughter Elisia! She's three-years-old, blood type negative B, her favorite color is pink, she loves pancakes, but she hates cranberries, her hobbies include singing—she has the voice of an angel!—and coloring in her coloring book, she likes kitties, and she looks FABULOUS in her new widdel bathing suit—"

--And while Hughes continued to ramble about Joan, or whatever, Envy took the moment to transform into a copy of Hughes' wife, Gracia.

"…Sweety-Kins?"

Envy pulled out a gun.

"Oh, shizzle!"

Envy shot—but first he sent a huge spit wad at Hughes' picture. There epic slow-motion, as Envy looked on with hate (why couldn't he try on dresses that his daddy would show everyone?) and Hughes tried to dodge and did a dramatic, slow, "NOOOOOOOOOOO…"

Then, out of nowhere a plot hole opened up and the projectiles flew through it.

* * *

Sakura sat on a counter and Ichiraku's Ramen. 

"Hey, you little whore! Get off my ramen counter! You'll infect it with HIV or some crazy crap!"

Sakura threw chopsticks at him and sat on a stool. It wasn't long before Rock Lee walked up and was like, "Hey, Sakura, what's your sign?"

"Not yours!" she sniffed.

Then a giant spit wad smacked her in the face. "EWWW!" At first she was going to yell at Lee, but before she could, a bullet penetrated her head and she keeled over and died.

Lee stared at her corpse for a moment as blood sprayed everywhere, before shrugging and walking up to TenTen and asking, "Hey, what was Sakura's, sign?"

"Err…I dunno, why?"

"Tsunade-sama was deciding according to an astrological chart which day to accidentally sever an artery on Sakura's arm, when showing her how to repair one."

"I'm disturbed that you know this much."

Lee shrugged and stood there uncomfortably for a few moments. "Sooo…you wanna run off and have a bunch of little kung-fu action babies for the sake of the shippers?"

"Hmm, sounds good."

So, TenTen and Lee skipped off into the sunset or something.

* * *

"WTF? Where did my deadly projectiles go?" Envy looked around desperately. 

Hughes regained enough composure to pull out his own gun and shoot Envy a couple times in the forehead with magical unicorn bullets. Envy then keeled over and died.

Envy was now a bloody mass of death, as Hughes stared at him. Then out of no where, Breda and Fury showed up. Breda pulled out a tape recorder with cheesy music, and Fury stepped in front of the readers view with a microphone with a disturbing smile. "PleasenotethatLallyzippofeelshorriblethatshehadtokillEnvyshereallydoes,crossdressingcharactersarealwaysherfavoritesandshedoesnotwantanypotentialEnvyfanstofeelbadaboutEnvy'sdeath,becausenomatterhowcoolhelooks,heisreallyjustanannoyingbratthatkilledHughesanddiesinthemovieanyway,soitwasproperthatheshoulddiesoonerthanlater,thankyouforyourtime."

Breda then turned off the tape recorder and ran off screen with Fury.

Hughes, alone again, blinked and looked around. Then he poked Envy with a stick some more. "Ewww…squishy…"

**My friend and I were talking about anime deaths that made us cry the other day. For her, Oboro and Gennosuke from Basilisk, Shitsuko from Grave of the Fireflies and Hughes death from FMA were the saddest, and I agreed with all of those, except I had never seen the finale of Basilisk, so I couldn't really say I cried. **

**Death that made me ball like a freaking baby: Haku and Zabuza. Gets me everytime.**

**Anyway, we both hate Sakura, and thought she would make and excellent sacrifice for Hughes :D**


End file.
